Show an Arcade Fire fan your tattoos.
The Avett Brothers
Fans of The Avett Brothers are easy nuts to crack: Just start wearing vests and dabbling in black-and-white photography.
Dress like her dad. Yes, it’s messed up, but we didn’t make the rules. Freud did.
Fans of Beyoncé won’t let you buy them a drink, but they will buy you a drink after you mention that “Bridesmaids” was WAY funnier than both “Hangover” movies.
Black Eyed Peas
Black Eyed Peas fans like to dance. If you do, too, offer your condolences that the Peas are going on indefinite hiatus. If you don’t, immediately skip to the next girl.
The Black Keys
Whoa, seriously, man? You found a chick who’s into The Black Keys? Immediately ask for her hand in marriage.
Any lover of Bon Iver’s tender harmonies was most likely just dumped. Prove you’re the sensitive shoulder she needs to cry on by tearing up when that Sarah McLachlan animal abuse commercial comes on.
A generic choice begets a generic pickup line. “Come here often?” or “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room…” are, like Coldplay, harmless, familiar and (in this case) effective.
Kings of Leon
If she favors the old Kings of Leon catalog, offer to buy her a whiskey. If she’s into their newer stuff, offer to buy her a Midori sour.
Dave Matthews Band
Tell her you’re throwing a party next weekend wherein drinks will only be served in red Solo cups. She won’t be able to resist the nostalgic charm, because, like Dave Matthews Band, she’ll never be cooler than she was in college.
Quick, get your hands on a tattered copy of “Leaves of Grass” and a Moleskine notebook. The Decembrists also have that sort of seafaring vibe about them, so if you have a yacht, now’s the time to whip it out. (No, that’s not a euphemism for penis.) Though, chances are if you do in fact have a yacht, you’re not hurting for pickup advice.
Florence + The Machine
Tell her you have the “Eat, Pray, Love” deluxe edition on DVD—Blu-Ray if it feels like the opportunity is slipping away. If she’s insulted that you’ve assumed her Florence + The Machine love is predicated on that singer’s place on the aforementioned movie soundtrack, proceed with the Arcade Fire approach.
Ask a Green Day fan about her tattoos.
“I listen to everything”
Clearly she’s not very discerning, so even you should be able to charm her without any help.
Tell a John Mayer fan that you work in finance and compliment her outfit. Come to think of it, the Wall Street/compliment combo works on most women. Which is why you see so many gals paired off with d-bags in dress slacks.
You should probably mention that you really love going to the ballet.
Your typical Ke$ha follower is already rocking temporary tattoos. Also, she’ll be inebriated when you talk to her, so just be yourself. Remember, beer goggles work both ways.
Buy a Lady Gaga fan some temporary tattoos.
OK you’ve obviously partied a little too hard and now you’re hallucinating, because Maroon 5 is nobody’s favorite band. Step away from the poor girl, you’re probably slobbering on her.
Mumford & Sons
Your way into a Mumford & Sons fan’s heart is through her stomach. Tell her you jar your own organic stone fruit preserves and that you traded in your iPad for a monthly seltzer home delivery service.
Paramore fans have deep, deep emotions. Read her that terrible poem you wrote when your first love broke your heart. Score an extra five points if you can play it on guitar. Also, you should probably stop picking up chicks at Hot Topic.
R.E.M. had their heyday right around 1995. So ask her how old her kids are.
Strokes fans consider themselves true New Yorkers, and so does this girl, even though she moved to the Big Apple from the Midwest three years ago and has never been farther north than 68th Street. Bond over your shared history of drinking “pop” and watching Big Ten football.
Make sure to hit these keywords in any conversation with a Vampire Weekend groupie: boating, Nantucket, baroque. Bonus points if you wear croakies on your sunglasses.
But… I like Maroon 5…